Disturbed.

 

As I am gently putting myself to rest.

Those words from him kept bugging me.

You said, “I’m old but God knows that I’m happy”.

And then you added with a smile,

“If He gives me more time than what I hoped for

then that would be greatest gift I could get”.

 

Those words started it all.

After hearing that from you.

I started staring blankly at the ceiling.

I really don’t know what to think of.

And at the back of my mind, I want to utter a word or two.

But I just can’t seem to do.

 

All I can express is a long sigh.

And I’m not even sure if it’s a sign of relief or could be the other way around.

What I know is I am frantically worried.

It’s like my inner self is taken away from a space where answers can’t be found.

A place where finding a solution to something is prohibited.

 

And here I am.

Crying  in silence.

Too scared to try and to feel.

But when I took the courage to recall the words that came from your mouth.

I died a little more.

 

This is what it feels like when you are –

Silently disturbed by the thoughts of someone  you’re too afraid to lose.

Because even just the thought of it kills me from the inside out.

And I just can’t.

I truly can’t.

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