As I am gently putting myself to rest.
Those words from him kept bugging me.
You said, “I’m old but God knows that I’m happy”.
And then you added with a smile,
“If He gives me more time than what I hoped for
then that would be greatest gift I could get”.
Those words started it all.
After hearing that from you.
I started staring blankly at the ceiling.
I really don’t know what to think of.
And at the back of my mind, I want to utter a word or two.
But I just can’t seem to do.
All I can express is a long sigh.
And I’m not even sure if it’s a sign of relief or could be the other way around.
What I know is I am frantically worried.
It’s like my inner self is taken away from a space where answers can’t be found.
A place where finding a solution to something is prohibited.
And here I am.
Crying in silence.
Too scared to try and to feel.
But when I took the courage to recall the words that came from your mouth.
I died a little more.
This is what it feels like when you are –
Silently disturbed by the thoughts of someone you’re too afraid to lose.
Because even just the thought of it kills me from the inside out.
And I just can’t.
I truly can’t.