Birthday Goal.

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Hello little young ones! It’s my birthday today!

I know. I’ve been away for awhile. I just needed some space from everything lately but I’m joyfully bouncing back again. I’m about to share to you something that I have been struggling to fulfill, not until, TODAY. Let me tell you about the fight that I thought I wouldn’t be able to win over. So here it goes:

The battle I can’t CAN win over.

Today, I decided to pen my thoughts and of what my heart wanted to say. It’s more than eight months since I broke down my walls and let my guard down to someone. And it has been by far, the longest and crazy merry-go-round ‘nth months of my life.

I truly couldn’t share the details of how it all started but what I can share to you little young ones is – on how I will end it.

But before I tell you on how I will end it, let me share a piece of him to you.

He was my Pepe. I gave him that as his first pet name since we both love history and we consider Jose Rizal as our epic hero.

He was my passing kind of surprise last January and my constant sin since then. But let’s not focus on that.

He was my first thought when I wake up in the morning and the last person that I wished to see and hear before I close my eyes at night. It sounds so cringy but it’s true.

He was the reason why I have baggy eyes right now, for I have traded sleep with a couple of hours more just to match to his time. Because when it’s broad daylight for me, it’s starry night sky for him.

He was the one that makes my heart giggles like a kid whenever he does his routine phone calls before he leaves for work and right after he goes back to his apartment almost every day.

He made me love Fridays even more because it’s his rest day and that means more time to video call and chat. Simple joys of having a long distance relationship.

He led me to a new dimension of appreciating the Earth’s wonders and the little things in life even more. He gave me room to grow and learn new things. Introduced me to venture further.

He took me to places that I’ve never been even if we are miles apart. As if I was with him.

He taught me how to love without fear.

And yes, that’s him. Now, maybe you are wondering as to why I am putting an end to it.

Me and him.

 

I am putting an end to it because –

Even if he was my first and last thought every single time, my heart aches because of guilt and only God knows why.

Even if he was the reason why I’d lose sleep for, it’s not always because of a happy reason. I had sleepless nights crying and sobbing too because of too much questions. Questions that I certainly knew the answers but too stubborn to accept. Questions that I knew from the start I didn’t deserve.

Even if he gave me a euphoric kind of rush in my system whenever he calls, his voice lingers through me like a constant reminder of sorrow and his eyes are windows to that empty and dark void within him that I could not fill in no matter what I do.

Even if Friday became my new favorite day of the week, but the rest of the days became my excuse to be selfish in finding more and more reasons why I should hold on to this complicated love that I have for him. I repeat – complicated. 

Even if he led me to new things and allowed me to enjoy and explore the little yet undiscovered wonders of the Earth, but he did not teach me about our so-called limitations.

And lastly, even if he taught me how to love without fear but my poor heart could not fathom to hurt others. I just couldn’t and that’s why I am letting go.

I had enough excuses and selfish prayers already. My guilt overflows and I could not afford to hurt my soul any longer.

So I challenged myself to slowly detached and removed whatever it is that can connect me to him. Eradicate whatever there is that reminds me of him. That’s why I started deleting his voice clips and videos, then our pictures together, mine and his. Lastly, ignored his messages and put him on mute.

Maybe you are wondering and might be asking me now, “Why not delete that freaking thread and block him instead?” But for me that’s too mainstream but to my surprise – I did.

I admit and I strongly agree that there is nothing wrong cutting and seriously ending whatever social media connections between you and those people who threatens your peace of mind and hurts your soul. That’s actually one step closer to a healthier self.

I greeted him on his birthday before I finally end things for good. I have said my piece and meant every damn word just so that I won’t regret. I definitely don’t want to have any regrets. So I told him everything. I cried to his response but I don’t want to wallow over selfish reasons anymore.

I choose myself this time.

I choose myself because I deserve it. I deserved to be chosen and not as an excuse. I don’t want to give myself a hard time anymore. I’ve been bruised and scarred and adding more pain is just too much handle.

My inner self was right all along but I chose to stay human and rational and selfish. And now, I’ve learned the hard way. I got my heart broken and my soul tortured with doubts and guilt but I will stand again. I will wander for a while and might get lost in between my journey in rediscovering myself but I will get there.

I might look weak. I might stumble while facing some curve balls and to whatever life throws at me but I will not let those shots put me down. I will love even harder. The fact that I was able to open up after a couple of years of not allowing people to enter into my life is a good sign that I can still trust people. I can still love without regrets.

So that’s how I end my story with him. It might take a while but I will bounce back stronger. I thank him for the memories. It was a good one. Because of him, I realized that even if I have a very vulnerable heart, I’m quite stronger than I thought and that I have always been a believer that when people have different values in life- it’s just cannot be.

My parents raised me well and have clothed me with virtues and values the very moment I opened my eyes. I couldn’t afford to break their hearts too. I admit, I was lost. I have chosen something beyond my norms, and I’ve learned.

Now, I’m back on my feet. No more excuses. No more selfish thoughts.

I choose myself. I choose to do what’s right. I choose to be right.

Always remember little young ones; we don’t have to live happily ever after with every single person in our life in order to live happily ever after – some unfortunate endings are necessary.

 

Love,

Your Pandora♥

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This pic was taken last January 8, 2018 at Fort San Pedro Park, Cebu City.

 

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Wither.

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she found herself running again.
but this time,
no one is chasing her.
not fear, not doubt,
and not even the regret of her past.
she ran because she must.
she needs to.
she knows she’s too vulnerable.
too fragile, too trusting.
she believes that if she’s worthy enough.
she will be found and not the one who finds.
the one being fought for and not the one who keeps on fighting.
in a battle she could not win over.
she hopes that she doesn’t have to hide anymore.
and still yes, she seeks to be the one.
but not the one who loves more than the other.
and so she is running.
with her bare feet
and her heart open.
praying to the Man above.
to make her so ready
to finally find that freedom
that feels like home.

 

-ElyWrites✍️

5th of July

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Hello little young ones!

Your Pandora is finally back with my very first legit entry for this year. First, I would like to apologize for disappearing for a couple of months. Life was so tough with me. I really could not mention all the details here but rest assured that I’m totally bouncing back after a great fall and a headshot.

For the first half of this year, I’ve learned a lot. Seriously learned a lot. There were stuff as well that really caught me off guard. Surprises that touched me in such a way that made me weighed things maturely like I’ve never done before. Like ever! There were also major life changing decisions that I took a leap off. I struggled to some, I survived the rest. Life is indeed amazing.

Honestly, I’m still struggling with some issues with my life right now. Career wise, I’m still torn between which country to focus on to, as to when I should really push myself in taking  my IELTS *though I already have a target date for it but I’m still anxious about it*, and bumping into this question over and over again, “Am I really ready to leave my family and my favorite human to work abroad?”. These mind – wrecking life decisions really scare me. I’m scared because of too much pressure from my family and friends who are now currently working abroad. Whenever I think of it, the first thing that really comes to my mind is How.

How will I start?

How will I survived without my family, my puppy, and my support system?

I know that for some of you little young ones, you could answer my questions so easily. But as for me, I’ve never ever thought of leaving my parents. The longest time that I was away with them was for forty days because of my in – house review for the board exam. Surprisingly, my parents are pretty much supportive now with my plans of working abroad unlike before. They are even the one’s pushing me to keep on applying online and taking my chances wherever life takes me. It’s such a shame that I lacked the effort to really pursue their dreams for me for the past six months now.

BUT, like I said, I’m bouncing back. I am now focusing on my goal – road to becoming a registered nurse outside Philippines. Thanks to my dearest friends who already took and passed the exam for sharing their review materials and some words of advice too especially, for a first – timer like me. As of the moment, I’m still searching for a trusted review center where I can crash in and study while juggling on my schedule at work. While doing so, I’m somewhat leading and encouraging myself to focus on my self – review as well and so far, I’m doing quite good with it.

I also want to share with you about my life as an Emergency Nurse for a year and two months now. It’s dreadful. toxic, unhealthy, stressful, tough, and everything mind – blowing and heart – wrenching but above all these negative vibes that I felt – I AM BLESSED. I’m blessed because I am able to witness adrenaline – rush kind of scenarios almost everyday. I’m blessed because I can encounter different people of all walks of life and see eye to eye the true meaning life through them. I’m blessed because I am faced with so many dilemmas that I thought could only happen in movies and dramas and slowly surpassed them without freaking out or chickening away. I’m blessed because no matter how crazy our admins are or how my seniors treat me in such a way that intimidates me to push myself forward – I can still be myself and I can still work under their suspicious, doubtful, and belittling eyes. All I know is, I am who I am and for as long as I am not hurting anyone, life goes on.

You know little young ones, I’m really good at giving good words to uplift someone’s spirit up. I remembered what my favorite mentor told me before he spent his last day as our Supervisor, he said, “I’m like a little sunshine in fleeting colors” and I’m trying to keep it that way. And even if I’m easily affected by so many things around me and gets so emotional sometimes, I’m always giving my best shot to separate work from my personal life. I’m always all in when it comes to my career and how to really improve my skills and become an efficient nurse to my patients. Same goes with how I balanced my time without compromising my health although sometimes it’s quite tricky and challenging. I’m trying to be my own kind of superhero in me, I guess.

Well, this is all for now little young ones and I promise that this won’t be the last. Now that I have retrieved my access to my WordPress again *I got locked out because I forgot my password*, I can now share more things with you. I’ll be back for more of my Weekly Updates and random talks with you soon.

I miss you little young ones and I couldn’t wait to spend quality time with my safe haven which is blogging.

Love,

Your Pandora♥

P.S. Always appreciate the little things.

02.02

 

 

My Year Ender Blog Post

Hi little young ones.

Let me start by saying, “Thank you”. Thank you for allowing me to be part of your 2017. I may not be able to spend longer time sharing all of my thoughts to you this year which I really wish I did but still I am thankful for all of you.

I honestly posted this one already on my Facebook and I want to share my deepest confession to you too.

So here it goes.

This year, most people only know about how ecstatic I am when it comes to my family, adventure, profession, friends and food. How I love to travel, to explore, and to experience life. How I maximize my time to spend quality moments with my friends, my puppy, my family and with my precious bed as well because it’s no secret that I love sleep too. People see my face painted with a smile for all the reasons that they could ever think of. And yes, without a doubt I could truly say, I’m blessed.

But not all people know that I lost track with so many things too. I get swayed emotionally. Depression hit me though not hard enough but I was so sure it made me sad and alone. I panicked when my relationship with my family got even worse especially with my Mom. I doubted my capabilities when people pushed my limits to master adulthood when all I ever wanted is freedom. I criticized my own judgment when everything I hoped for didn’t work out as planned. The eyes of the many taught me to belittle my decision making and time management even if I knew that I was right and they’re not. Life indeed happened to me just like any others. And this year left me scarred and bruised and broke but it also reminded me to be tougher and more patient and frugal.

This is my 2017 and I’m letting it go with pure acceptance in my heart that I can still do better and become better. I am ready to embrace 2018 for more ups and downs and detours. I’ll trust my pace this time and not what the multiverse wants me to. I trust you, Lord. Lead me.

Prosperous New Year Earthlings and my dear little young ones.🍀👣

Love,

Your Pandora ♥

Keshang’s Bridal Shower

Good afternoon little young ones. How are you? I truly hope that you’re having a terrific weekend just like I do. Because last night I truly had a blast. It was like I was freed after a long time of scavenging for freedom. HAHA! Actually, it was Kaeshia’s surprise bridal shower and only few chosen friends attended. Thanks to her friends from Renal Unit and of course her beloved high school barkadas, YES, that’s us – who made it extremely fun and possible.

It was Joiz who constantly communicate with Roger, Keshang’s friend from Renal, about the time and venue. While Joiz was busy with her role, I was also busy doing my thing. So yesterday, I went straight to Joiz house and made Keshang’s sash with a caption, “Soon to be MRS. VERANO” and prepped for her flower crown while she accompanied Keshang to the salon. We informed our two barkadas as well, Maan and Ayano, to help with the cover-up once we meet already at the venue. LOL!

After I finished with my thing, I hurriedly went to the salon and met with them. We were taking our time walking and talking sense about our plans and as to what our next move should be. Dreams. Goals. Hopes. And it made us really hungry so we grabbed something to bite. #TempuraMadness #streetfoodislove

Then we went directly to the venue and waited for Maan and Ayano and also the go signal from our accomplices. HAHA! But as usual, Ayano was always the late comer so we stayed at Greenwich and gabbed another set of foodies. Ta-da!

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“Catching up. Ayano where are you”?

Us and our hungry face again. We had a continuation of our serious to senseless conversation while waiting for Ayano. Then as soon as Keshang’s Renal buddies gave their go signal, I then initiated to cut the talk and made a good alibi by saying, “I want to drink beer and sing my heart out tonight” which Keshang didn’t believed at first. For she is well aware that I definitely don’t drink but she still agreed anyway. HAHA!

Upon arriving to the venue. Her Renal buddies set their cameras on and their confetti and the food and their funny but cute congratulatory greetings. They surely know how to have fun too. They hugged and kissed Keshang. And while they started eating and taking pictures, we managed to start the entertainment by singing whatever songs we could think of.  When Ayano arrived that’s the time that we took a groufie for the success of our surprise event.

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Minus Ayano, the late comer. HAHA!

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US and our mess. LOL!

We had a good time chit-chatting and singing. Then when our new found friends already bid goodbye because they still have work the next day. We decided to extend our time and sing some more. We laughed so hard and recorded a couple of videos of our goofiness. It’s been awhile since we did something like this and we all love it.

And I’m going to share a compilation of our feeling-DIVA-moment thanks to Joiz for beautifully making the video. Disclaimer: The quality of the video isn’t that good plus our dance moves weren’t in sync but trust me that’s how we define ‘fun’. HAHA! Hope you like it though.

And that was all for last night’s crazy and fun night out with my high school barkadas. It was truly a splendid night. Comfortably dorkying, if there is such a word, with the best people. 💙

Blessed Sunday little young ones. Stay safe always. 🙂

Random Questions on the 1st of February.

Here we go again.

I know it’s kinda late for me to greet you on the 1st day of February *because obviously it’s already the 3rd of February* and an advance greetings for Valentines Day as well, right? But know that I am still here and always and right now I have another round of random, thought – provoking, mind – blowing and sometimes heart – quenching questions for you and for myself too. Are you ready little young ones? I hope you are.

I got these random questions on Thought Catalog and I am very happy and excited to share these because it somewhat help us assess ourselves a little bit more. Why? It gives us the opportunity to venture how grounded we are in terms of loving ourselves and the kind of importance we are giving our decisions and ideas to the people around us. So here it goes:

  1. Are you doing something you love? YES! Blogging, pigging – out, and spending quality time with the people I love.
  2. Are you comfortable being single? YES! I am happy and comfortable but I have always been open to change that status until someone would help me discover what “love” and “falling in love” to a different degree. Why not, right?
  3. Do you have at least a little money saved? YES! Emergency fund is a must.
  4. Are you taking responsibility for your actions? Almost always. I hate blaming games.
  5. Are you financially supporting yourself? YES! But I am still living with my parents.
  6. Have you stopped settling in relationships? NO! I am rooting to build genuine relationships with different people at different levels and of different pace. Like I said, I am more open to opportunities this time. It’s a small world with so many mysteries after all.
  7. Are you associating with people who make you better? YES! But somewhat both on the positive and negative side. I just need to manage and be critically wise with how I handle them, myself, and my emotions.
  8. Are you involved in a group or organization that gives you purpose? YES!
  9. Do you have a list of goals to strive to works towards every day? YES! I keep track with my goals. I have a list actually.
  10. Are you comfortable with who you are? Sometimes, not. LOL. But I love myself and that’s something that I am very, very, very sure of.
  11. Have you gone on a trip that changed you or are you planning to? YES! And I miss traveling again. Maybe next year, not now. I need to focus on my career first.
  12. Do you have a list of qualities you look for in a potential partner? YES! I mean, I believe we all have, right? What are those? Hmm. I’ll share that to you little young ones once I found him already. For now, the searching and waiting  game is on.
  13. If you met them would you have the courage and confidence to pursue him? Because I am the woman, NO. But if I am really interested and eager to know him, why not. Love is a two way process, it should never be a ‘solo’ flight.
  14. Do you walk away from situations or people that don’t add value to your life? Both a yes and no. I try my best not to react right away because for me emotional response cuts deeper and I really don’t like the feeling of hurting someone or crossing their limits without any basis. I don’t want others to that to me too so why should I do something hurtful to them, right? *Though it’s not always the case for some.*
  15. Have you stopped causing drama in your life and or others? YES!  I just realized that people will always say something towards you after all.
  16. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Both a yes and a no. My family is not perfect and my relationship with my parents is not that flawless as well but we always make sure that we settle any issues and solve it day after day after day. especially with my Mamadearest.
  17. Have you forgiven yourself for your past? I did. There are still some past issues that needs to be rekindled and reconciled and resolved. I am taking my time to really see the good side of things and I am not rushing myself to jump to any crazy conclusions and solutions without preparing myself.
  18. Have you fallen in love at least once? YES!
  19. Have you stopped making up excuses in your life? Sometimes.
  20. Do you support a political party and understand why? NONE. I am more on the private organizations because I believe they deliver faster and direct aid to those who truly need the assistance the most.
  21. Do you have a career mentor and someone you look up to for guidance? Yes, I have. I could not mention them all but I do have.
  22. Are you spending money responsibly? This time, yes.
  23. Do you read books often that help you to improve yourself? YES!
  24. Are you a little selfish? Somewhat YES,  because giving too much is an abuse to self. I can be selfless, like BIG TIME – I just need to distinguish the right people that I can be selfless with. I learned from my past.
  25. Are you happy? YES and YES!

 

Were you able to answer these questions already little young ones? I hope you do BUT no pressure. The same way that I remind myself always, to be more patient in terms of decision – making because what we do, think, and say now could make or break us. So we have to be very wise and sensitive. We have to set different strategies and back – up plans every single time because Mother Earth is our battlefield but if have a war within ourselves then it’s a bad sign. Do you agree?

Anyhow, enjoy and start your Friday with a smile little young ones. 🙂