Hello little young ones! It’s my birthday today!
I know. I’ve been away for awhile. I just needed some space from everything lately but I’m joyfully bouncing back again. I’m about to share to you something that I have been struggling to fulfill, not until, TODAY. Let me tell you about the fight that I thought I wouldn’t be able to win over. So here it goes:
The battle I
can’t CAN win over.
Today, I decided to pen my thoughts and of what my heart wanted to say. It’s more than eight months since I broke down my walls and let my guard down to someone. And it has been by far, the longest and crazy merry-go-round ‘nth months of my life.
I truly couldn’t share the details of how it all started but what I can share to you little young ones is – on how I will end it.
But before I tell you on how I will end it, let me share a piece of him to you.
He was my Pepe. I gave him that as his first pet name since we both love history and we consider Jose Rizal as our epic hero.
He was my passing kind of surprise last January and my constant sin since then. But let’s not focus on that.
He was my first thought when I wake up in the morning and the last person that I wished to see and hear before I close my eyes at night. It sounds so cringy but it’s true.
He was the reason why I have baggy eyes right now, for I have traded sleep with a couple of hours more just to match to his time. Because when it’s broad daylight for me, it’s starry night sky for him.
He was the one that makes my heart giggles like a kid whenever he does his routine phone calls before he leaves for work and right after he goes back to his apartment almost every day.
He made me love Fridays even more because it’s his rest day and that means more time to video call and chat. Simple joys of having a long distance relationship.
He led me to a new dimension of appreciating the Earth’s wonders and the little things in life even more. He gave me room to grow and learn new things. Introduced me to venture further.
He took me to places that I’ve never been even if we are miles apart. As if I was with him.
He taught me how to love without fear.
And yes, that’s him. Now, maybe you are wondering as to why I am putting an end to it.
Me and him.
I am putting an end to it because –
Even if he was my first and last thought every single time, my heart aches because of guilt and only God knows why.
Even if he was the reason why I’d lose sleep for, it’s not always because of a happy reason. I had sleepless nights crying and sobbing too because of too much questions. Questions that I certainly knew the answers but too stubborn to accept. Questions that I knew from the start I didn’t deserve.
Even if he gave me a euphoric kind of rush in my system whenever he calls, his voice lingers through me like a constant reminder of sorrow and his eyes are windows to that empty and dark void within him that I could not fill in no matter what I do.
Even if Friday became my new favorite day of the week, but the rest of the days became my excuse to be selfish in finding more and more reasons why I should hold on to this complicated love that I have for him. I repeat – complicated.
Even if he led me to new things and allowed me to enjoy and explore the little yet undiscovered wonders of the Earth, but he did not teach me about our so-called limitations.
And lastly, even if he taught me how to love without fear but my poor heart could not fathom to hurt others. I just couldn’t and that’s why I am letting go.
I had enough excuses and selfish prayers already. My guilt overflows and I could not afford to hurt my soul any longer.
So I challenged myself to slowly detached and removed whatever it is that can connect me to him. Eradicate whatever there is that reminds me of him. That’s why I started deleting his voice clips and videos, then our pictures together, mine and his. Lastly, ignored his messages and put him on mute.
Maybe you are wondering and might be asking me now, “Why not delete that freaking thread and block him instead?” But for me that’s too mainstream but to my surprise – I did.
I admit and I strongly agree that there is nothing wrong cutting and seriously ending whatever social media connections between you and those people who threatens your peace of mind and hurts your soul. That’s actually one step closer to a healthier self.
I greeted him on his birthday before I finally end things for good. I have said my piece and meant every damn word just so that I won’t regret. I definitely don’t want to have any regrets. So I told him everything. I cried to his response but I don’t want to wallow over selfish reasons anymore.
I choose myself this time.
I choose myself because I deserve it. I deserved to be chosen and not as an excuse. I don’t want to give myself a hard time anymore. I’ve been bruised and scarred and adding more pain is just too much handle.
My inner self was right all along but I chose to stay human and rational and selfish. And now, I’ve learned the hard way. I got my heart broken and my soul tortured with doubts and guilt but I will stand again. I will wander for a while and might get lost in between my journey in rediscovering myself but I will get there.
I might look weak. I might stumble while facing some curve balls and to whatever life throws at me but I will not let those shots put me down. I will love even harder. The fact that I was able to open up after a couple of years of not allowing people to enter into my life is a good sign that I can still trust people. I can still love without regrets.
So that’s how I end my story with him. It might take a while but I will bounce back stronger. I thank him for the memories. It was a good one. Because of him, I realized that even if I have a very vulnerable heart, I’m quite stronger than I thought and that I have always been a believer that when people have different values in life- it’s just cannot be.
My parents raised me well and have clothed me with virtues and values the very moment I opened my eyes. I couldn’t afford to break their hearts too. I admit, I was lost. I have chosen something beyond my norms, and I’ve learned.
Now, I’m back on my feet. No more excuses. No more selfish thoughts.
I choose myself. I choose to do what’s right. I choose to be right.
Always remember little young ones; we don’t have to live happily ever after with every single person in our life in order to live happily ever after – some unfortunate endings are necessary.