Birthday Goal.

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Hello little young ones! It’s my birthday today!

I know. I’ve been away for awhile. I just needed some space from everything lately but I’m joyfully bouncing back again. I’m about to share to you something that I have been struggling to fulfill, not until, TODAY. Let me tell you about the fight that I thought I wouldn’t be able to win over. So here it goes:

The battle I can’t CAN win over.

Today, I decided to pen my thoughts and of what my heart wanted to say. It’s more than eight months since I broke down my walls and let my guard down to someone. And it has been by far, the longest and crazy merry-go-round ‘nth months of my life.

I truly couldn’t share the details of how it all started but what I can share to you little young ones is – on how I will end it.

But before I tell you on how I will end it, let me share a piece of him to you.

He was my Pepe. I gave him that as his first pet name since we both love history and we consider Jose Rizal as our epic hero.

He was my passing kind of surprise last January and my constant sin since then. But let’s not focus on that.

He was my first thought when I wake up in the morning and the last person that I wished to see and hear before I close my eyes at night. It sounds so cringy but it’s true.

He was the reason why I have baggy eyes right now, for I have traded sleep with a couple of hours more just to match to his time. Because when it’s broad daylight for me, it’s starry night sky for him.

He was the one that makes my heart giggles like a kid whenever he does his routine phone calls before he leaves for work and right after he goes back to his apartment almost every day.

He made me love Fridays even more because it’s his rest day and that means more time to video call and chat. Simple joys of having a long distance relationship.

He led me to a new dimension of appreciating the Earth’s wonders and the little things in life even more. He gave me room to grow and learn new things. Introduced me to venture further.

He took me to places that I’ve never been even if we are miles apart. As if I was with him.

He taught me how to love without fear.

And yes, that’s him. Now, maybe you are wondering as to why I am putting an end to it.

Me and him.

 

I am putting an end to it because –

Even if he was my first and last thought every single time, my heart aches because of guilt and only God knows why.

Even if he was the reason why I’d lose sleep for, it’s not always because of a happy reason. I had sleepless nights crying and sobbing too because of too much questions. Questions that I certainly knew the answers but too stubborn to accept. Questions that I knew from the start I didn’t deserve.

Even if he gave me a euphoric kind of rush in my system whenever he calls, his voice lingers through me like a constant reminder of sorrow and his eyes are windows to that empty and dark void within him that I could not fill in no matter what I do.

Even if Friday became my new favorite day of the week, but the rest of the days became my excuse to be selfish in finding more and more reasons why I should hold on to this complicated love that I have for him. I repeat – complicated. 

Even if he led me to new things and allowed me to enjoy and explore the little yet undiscovered wonders of the Earth, but he did not teach me about our so-called limitations.

And lastly, even if he taught me how to love without fear but my poor heart could not fathom to hurt others. I just couldn’t and that’s why I am letting go.

I had enough excuses and selfish prayers already. My guilt overflows and I could not afford to hurt my soul any longer.

So I challenged myself to slowly detached and removed whatever it is that can connect me to him. Eradicate whatever there is that reminds me of him. That’s why I started deleting his voice clips and videos, then our pictures together, mine and his. Lastly, ignored his messages and put him on mute.

Maybe you are wondering and might be asking me now, “Why not delete that freaking thread and block him instead?” But for me that’s too mainstream but to my surprise – I did.

I admit and I strongly agree that there is nothing wrong cutting and seriously ending whatever social media connections between you and those people who threatens your peace of mind and hurts your soul. That’s actually one step closer to a healthier self.

I greeted him on his birthday before I finally end things for good. I have said my piece and meant every damn word just so that I won’t regret. I definitely don’t want to have any regrets. So I told him everything. I cried to his response but I don’t want to wallow over selfish reasons anymore.

I choose myself this time.

I choose myself because I deserve it. I deserved to be chosen and not as an excuse. I don’t want to give myself a hard time anymore. I’ve been bruised and scarred and adding more pain is just too much handle.

My inner self was right all along but I chose to stay human and rational and selfish. And now, I’ve learned the hard way. I got my heart broken and my soul tortured with doubts and guilt but I will stand again. I will wander for a while and might get lost in between my journey in rediscovering myself but I will get there.

I might look weak. I might stumble while facing some curve balls and to whatever life throws at me but I will not let those shots put me down. I will love even harder. The fact that I was able to open up after a couple of years of not allowing people to enter into my life is a good sign that I can still trust people. I can still love without regrets.

So that’s how I end my story with him. It might take a while but I will bounce back stronger. I thank him for the memories. It was a good one. Because of him, I realized that even if I have a very vulnerable heart, I’m quite stronger than I thought and that I have always been a believer that when people have different values in life- it’s just cannot be.

My parents raised me well and have clothed me with virtues and values the very moment I opened my eyes. I couldn’t afford to break their hearts too. I admit, I was lost. I have chosen something beyond my norms, and I’ve learned.

Now, I’m back on my feet. No more excuses. No more selfish thoughts.

I choose myself. I choose to do what’s right. I choose to be right.

Always remember little young ones; we don’t have to live happily ever after with every single person in our life in order to live happily ever after – some unfortunate endings are necessary.

 

Love,

Your Pandora♥

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This pic was taken last January 8, 2018 at Fort San Pedro Park, Cebu City.

 

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Wither.

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she found herself running again.
but this time,
no one is chasing her.
not fear, not doubt,
and not even the regret of her past.
she ran because she must.
she needs to.
she knows she’s too vulnerable.
too fragile, too trusting.
she believes that if she’s worthy enough.
she will be found and not the one who finds.
the one being fought for and not the one who keeps on fighting.
in a battle she could not win over.
she hopes that she doesn’t have to hide anymore.
and still yes, she seeks to be the one.
but not the one who loves more than the other.
and so she is running.
with her bare feet
and her heart open.
praying to the Man above.
to make her so ready
to finally find that freedom
that feels like home.

 

-ElyWrites✍️

07 / 05 / 18

ooooo

 

Good morning little young ones!

I’m on a graveyard shift right now and luckily there is no patient so I am grabbing my time to update you on my Weekly segment. And since today is Thursday, we will be talking about three random things. And the first idea that I have in mind is:

01.01

Well, I hope I got you thinking right now my dear little young ones. But as for me, here are my three phrases or words that’s quite hard for me to say.

  1. I am sorry.
  2. I trust you.
  3. No.

 

02.02

It’s hard for me to say it because people nowadays are becoming so insensitive and pretty abusive about their so – called “freedom of expression”. Call me sarcastic but sometimes, when their words are way too much to handle and could literally hurt me or someone that I am close with, I really answer them back without being sorry for it.

Do you want to know why? Because there is a need for them to know what LIMITATION means.

I say sorry and truly mean it if I caused pain in any form but to apologize for standing my ground and for what I think is morally right for myself and to those around me – I really won’t back out. But don’t worry little young ones, I know my limitations too. I may be too vocal about my thoughts but I always keep my patience on point.

03.03

Truth be told, I have trust issues. I don’t want to elaborate on this anymore because it’s reasonably dragging if I tell you about the real thing as to when I started doubting people particularly, men. But NO, I am not a man hater. It’s just hard for me to trust their beautiful words anymore especially if it doesn’t coincide with their actions and efforts. And I’m talking about – consistency. So you’re so lucky if I ever told you that I trust you because when I do, I certainly mean it.

And lastly,

04.04

For me, it’s hard to say no because we only live once and I want to grab whatever opportunity comes my way. Honestly, it makes me more of a people – pleaser rather than a goalgetter for some people. But I don’t care. Like I said, for as long as I am not hurting anyone, I will always be all in for it.

So these are my three phrases or words that are hard to say for this terrific Thursday. Now it’s your turn little young ones to share your own thoughts about our weekly segment for this day and I hope that I’m keeping your ideas up for a fresh start.

I hope that you’ll still tune in for more of our Weekly segment and share your own versions too. I can’t wait to read your comments and suggestions as well.

Stay safe and healthy little young ones. Have a wonderful Thursday ahead.

Love,

Your Pandora ♥

5th of July

01.01

Hello little young ones!

Your Pandora is finally back with my very first legit entry for this year. First, I would like to apologize for disappearing for a couple of months. Life was so tough with me. I really could not mention all the details here but rest assured that I’m totally bouncing back after a great fall and a headshot.

For the first half of this year, I’ve learned a lot. Seriously learned a lot. There were stuff as well that really caught me off guard. Surprises that touched me in such a way that made me weighed things maturely like I’ve never done before. Like ever! There were also major life changing decisions that I took a leap off. I struggled to some, I survived the rest. Life is indeed amazing.

Honestly, I’m still struggling with some issues with my life right now. Career wise, I’m still torn between which country to focus on to, as to when I should really push myself in taking  my IELTS *though I already have a target date for it but I’m still anxious about it*, and bumping into this question over and over again, “Am I really ready to leave my family and my favorite human to work abroad?”. These mind – wrecking life decisions really scare me. I’m scared because of too much pressure from my family and friends who are now currently working abroad. Whenever I think of it, the first thing that really comes to my mind is How.

How will I start?

How will I survived without my family, my puppy, and my support system?

I know that for some of you little young ones, you could answer my questions so easily. But as for me, I’ve never ever thought of leaving my parents. The longest time that I was away with them was for forty days because of my in – house review for the board exam. Surprisingly, my parents are pretty much supportive now with my plans of working abroad unlike before. They are even the one’s pushing me to keep on applying online and taking my chances wherever life takes me. It’s such a shame that I lacked the effort to really pursue their dreams for me for the past six months now.

BUT, like I said, I’m bouncing back. I am now focusing on my goal – road to becoming a registered nurse outside Philippines. Thanks to my dearest friends who already took and passed the exam for sharing their review materials and some words of advice too especially, for a first – timer like me. As of the moment, I’m still searching for a trusted review center where I can crash in and study while juggling on my schedule at work. While doing so, I’m somewhat leading and encouraging myself to focus on my self – review as well and so far, I’m doing quite good with it.

I also want to share with you about my life as an Emergency Nurse for a year and two months now. It’s dreadful. toxic, unhealthy, stressful, tough, and everything mind – blowing and heart – wrenching but above all these negative vibes that I felt – I AM BLESSED. I’m blessed because I am able to witness adrenaline – rush kind of scenarios almost everyday. I’m blessed because I can encounter different people of all walks of life and see eye to eye the true meaning life through them. I’m blessed because I am faced with so many dilemmas that I thought could only happen in movies and dramas and slowly surpassed them without freaking out or chickening away. I’m blessed because no matter how crazy our admins are or how my seniors treat me in such a way that intimidates me to push myself forward – I can still be myself and I can still work under their suspicious, doubtful, and belittling eyes. All I know is, I am who I am and for as long as I am not hurting anyone, life goes on.

You know little young ones, I’m really good at giving good words to uplift someone’s spirit up. I remembered what my favorite mentor told me before he spent his last day as our Supervisor, he said, “I’m like a little sunshine in fleeting colors” and I’m trying to keep it that way. And even if I’m easily affected by so many things around me and gets so emotional sometimes, I’m always giving my best shot to separate work from my personal life. I’m always all in when it comes to my career and how to really improve my skills and become an efficient nurse to my patients. Same goes with how I balanced my time without compromising my health although sometimes it’s quite tricky and challenging. I’m trying to be my own kind of superhero in me, I guess.

Well, this is all for now little young ones and I promise that this won’t be the last. Now that I have retrieved my access to my WordPress again *I got locked out because I forgot my password*, I can now share more things with you. I’ll be back for more of my Weekly Updates and random talks with you soon.

I miss you little young ones and I couldn’t wait to spend quality time with my safe haven which is blogging.

Love,

Your Pandora♥

P.S. Always appreciate the little things.

02.02

 

 

Poet – try 💙

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bloom.

she doesn’t need some fixing,
for she is not broken.
she isn’t looking for a missing piece of a puzzle,
for she is already whole.
what she needs is patience.
while she grows in spirit with the Creator.
a little bit of understanding.
as she deals with the worldly chaos as she matures into a woman.
and lots of love, the genuine kind.
as she learns to fall in love with her flaws,
strong enough to love you just the same.

-ElyWrites✏

 

Poet – try 💙

Sunkissed Confession.

Today she confessed to the sea.

Of how much she loves you.

She thought it would be better.

For the water could go as deep and as wide.

Just like her heart.

The tides might weaken her.

The lashing waves would hurt.

But she will not fret.

Because even if that same water would not

be able to touch her again.

She gives hope to her heart’s declaration.

That it will reach out to you.

Leading yourself to her.

One day.

-ElyWrites✍️

Poet – try 💙

When she says she loves you.

You won’t just simply get to taste or

have half of her heart.

But her as a whole.

From all her broken pieces gathered

as one.

From all her miseries and silent cries

that the world has done.

From the inside out.

She’ll give it to you.

Her flaws and imperfections.

Her wild thoughts and overwhelming

imaginations.

She is yours –

body, mind, and soul.

Every curves and edges.

Her strengths and weaknesses.

You will have all of her, consented.

Now the challenge is –

Would you be able to handle her

without breaking her heart again?

Because if not –

take a step back and look at her for

the last time.

If you couldn’t see your future with

her the way she sees her future with

you.

Leave her heart in silence.

And walk away for good.

Before she breaks.

Or before the worst.

-ElyWrites✍️